I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
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I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*