I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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ok like just. call me at this point
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans