I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
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Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?