When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
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Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir