Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
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Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Blew my mind.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?