Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*