Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
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[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Why are bridges so flammable.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait