During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
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I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.