Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
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Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup