Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
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Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”