Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
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me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
The Onion called it…again.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Monday
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok