I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
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When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam