Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
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IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
inside you are two wolves
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk