if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
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[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
#MeanwhileinCanada
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
it must be school picture day
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.