Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
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Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
The police never think its as funny as you do.