Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
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HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Who called it baking and not making love
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
hi why am I like this
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Good morning!