it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
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My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Um … Hot Wings please
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”