how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
me and who
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids