[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
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If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
The Weeknd is back
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
be careful
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run