It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
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[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.