If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Home is where your toilet is.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected