I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
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When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
guilty
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
This sounds bad:
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.