Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.