This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE