You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
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“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.