Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
#Caturday
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.