Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
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Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.