James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
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lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
This checks out
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
this is so top tier i cant
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue