*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
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3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?