high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
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[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
#dalle2
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises