Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
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Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
This kid will have a bright future.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.