hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
You Might Also Like
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My beach vacation Google searches
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.