When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)