You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
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milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I was just discussing this with my cat
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
this isn’t threatening at all
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.