Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too