Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Rooting for the overdog
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.