Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
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Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Become ungovernable.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people