I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
That eye roll….
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
some things should go without saying
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it