ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.