*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Well. That’s not a good sign.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach