Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
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My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Good morning
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.