Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.