It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
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This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Adultry does not sound fun at all
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula