Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
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You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never