This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Pro tip: if you have a student鈥檚 mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 馃敟 with 馃敟
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don鈥檛 you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can鈥檛 text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can鈥檛 text me if she needs anything.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
My weight? That鈥檚 on a need to know basis and I don鈥檛 need to know!
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I鈥檓 just gonna lay on the flooring.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”