Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Velcrow
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib