Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
selfie game
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
cry laughing at this shit
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new