All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
🤣could you imagine
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Straight people are cancelled
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.