“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Worst Native American name ever.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation