Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
hmmm
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?